I want to know how does it work for you and your spouse finding balance in your marriage? Where do you find the time or how do you balance each other's hobbies without feeling like the other one is being selfish and taking too much time away from the family?
For us it has been about compromise and lots and lots of patience. I still struggle with patience, especially when I have "pregnancy brain!" (this is what my husband likes to call it when he feels I'm being irrational.) I think it's important to still have hobbies after marriage. I think it helps define who you are and shows that you take time for yourself. But how much is too much?? Two nights a week, three and Saturdays??
Do I have a harder time with it because I stay at home all day, and want my husband home and his full attention on us when he gets home from work? I crave the adult conversation. Sometimes I think I'm jealous b/c it seems easier for the man to go and play than for the lady. I have to make a list for the kids before I leave, set out a meal, write instructions if needed etc. Poor me, I know.
I tease my husband that his newest project :Restoration of a 1968 Mustang is his Mistress. He is up late, reading about how to make her shine and run like a top. He spends hours a night with her. And in his spare time he is on the computer looking for accessories to make her sparkle even more!! I want to know: Where's my bling?? lol
Do you and your spouse still do activities together? What is something that you like to do? Go for walks, bike rides, runs, read, watch movies?
Am I alone on this, or do you feel the same way?
10 comments:
I TOTALLY understand ALL your frustrations!! When my husband and I first got married this is the exact same habit he had!! We were consistently trying to find a middle ground & I can't say we EVER did. His excuses were always..."Then what do you want to do together, I don't want to just sit here and do nothing when I can get something done."
With my husband I eventually gave up the battle. However, when the kids went to sleep I would try to find a project where I could at least be outside with him and talk.
Best of luck! I know how you feel!
I admit that we both have sacrificed hobbies that take us away from the home and from each other but we do things we still enjoy around the house. We make each Monday date night and do something fun together for a couple of hours. We've found a nice balance that works for us.
We know that it's just a season in life and when our kids are grown we can pursue them again.
Hugs.
Kim
Alex and I have this conversation all the time. It does seem that guys hobbies over rule the girls. Alex has his motorcycle that he works on, video games (I know.), golf, football & his Hummer. All take his time away from "us" time.
We both agree that we need to keep our seperate hobbies but sometimes he wishes I had the same hobbies as him. I try to watch football with him, I will not play video games, I'll go on a bike ride with him, I never go golfing. So why do I have to conform to his interests and not him to mine?
There's no way he would start going to ballets, concerts, plays, amusement parks, hiking, and all the stuff I like to do. So yes, you are not alone! It's a constant in our house as well but so far it hasn't caused too big of an issue because we don't have kids.
Bringing kids into the picture would change everything. I'd probably not be as flexible as I am now with his time if we had kids. So that is probably hard for you! If we had kids, there's no way I would let him spend all his free time the way he does now, nope, no way!
But we do try to do things together as much as possible. Dating, vacations, lounge time at home, cooking. So I'm with you, it's hard to find a balance but I think the best thing is to find a hobby that you both have in common, maybe a new one. Maybe something that involves the kids too so it's family time as well!
(But you being a Mama, you need more "you" time then he does!)
You are not alone in this. Many stay at home moms feel this way. Just wait until the third one gets here. LOL Some days I feel like...he owes me a get out of jail free card. LOL It is not easy being a SAHM & then seeing the hubs do fun things after work, because our job is never done.
We try to do date nights and go out to dinner just the two of us. That helps alot.
We haven't had quite the same problem because I spend nearly all the money, so he doesn't have the tools and playthings he'd probably like...so he channels all his energy into creative cooking, which usually works for me! I guess I probably should be more supportive of his hobbies...but I do give him whatever time he wants to play sports with friends, since he doesn't do it very often and its good for him.
Pregnancy brain is real, but it doesn't mean you're being unreasonable.
It's just the two of us and we do everything together. That's probably not healthy in some people's eyes but it works for us. If I want to go shopping he goes with me and sits in the "husband chair". I tag along with him to places that don't really interest me but I do it to be together. We still after 11 years still grocery shop together. We walk in the neighborhood together on the weekends. We are about inseparatable.
I think maybe how you are feeling is normal. Our friends that have children seem to spend less time together than they use to before kids.
Hey Kasey,
I love you guys. I am glad that we will be seeing more of you.
Men and women are inherently different and we are meant to be together to balance each other. We are supposed to learn and adjust and compromise in all areas of our lives. It is together that we fulfill our potentials. I love "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." Our whole lives are balancing acts and that document is an excellent scale on which to check your balances.
If you feel this way then I think you need to do two things: first is talk about it(our marriages are meant to bring us closer to God and each other and if you are feeling stagnant than the Spirit is telling you something) and second is figure out what it is that you are feeling. What is it exactly that you want to be different and probably, what compromises you can make in what you want too.
Yes our marriage is like this.
Robyn, your post was funny.
AH-HA!!! Restoring old cars is my husbands hobby to!! OKAY....along with basketball a couple nights a week. I have no answer for you, darn it!!!
Have a great day.
Sandra
I've been thinking a lot about this post Kasey - especially in terms of how it relates to me now that I'm a mom of a newborn. (soon to be you)
It seems to me that my Hubby's hobbies seem blown out of proportion to me right now because I am in baby mode which means the baby rules my life and has pretty much cancelled out any opportunities for me to pursue my own hobbies.
While it may seem unfair to me at the moment that the Hubby still gets to do his hobbies (like cycling, coaching sports, watching sports)I have to constantly remind myself that my hobbies need to take second seat to my first privilege and honor, which is being a mother.
There will be times and seasons for my hobbies. Heck, I had the past five years! But it is important to retain myself and not lose myself completely to mothering.
To that end, I just try to divide my leftover time between spending time with my Hubby and working on my own hobbies/talents/friendships. I don't get to do it much, but it will have to be enough for now.
Love ya girl!
Oh this is so hard! We have "date nights" which is a good time to talk...and we try to play games together as a family but as far as our hobbies go----we don't enjoy each others hobbies. I don't want to (waste) 4 hours on a golf course and I think my husband would last 5 minutes at a scrapbook store!
So now we find that just hanging for an hour or so after the kids go to bed is our "secret". We also like to go to the bookstore together although we are usually in different aisles.
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